an email I wrote November 25th, 2007. oh hey brain
I am going back to school in nine hours. balls. I think I’m kind of happy to be going back in a weird way. mostly probably because i only have like 22… 24ish days of actually being on campus before I am home for a whole month and I am looking forward to that. to being near everyone and with everyone and home and I will probably get really annoyed with it really quickly especially because it is cold and that just makes me annoyed at everything but it will be nice. maybe i will play with bethy and I will go to karate a lot and i was gonna take drivers ed but i don’t feel like spending the money so i’ll wait and I’ll dance with emmy and eat food and buy presents for people and go on adventures and argue with my mom and spend time at your house looking at your ocean. yes that’s right, whether you like it or not I will become a refugee to your house. and my dad will teach me to drive. fuck you drivers ed. I have spent almost a full semester at college. that is weird and unlike me. weird. everything goes by fast. and I have no sense of time. it makes no sense that this morning was this morning or that last night was only 24 hours ago or that I’ve been home for a whole week. everything is skewed. I think that’s what I meant when i said things are too fast. I’m just losing my sense of when everything is. and I can’t decide what is long and what is short. like june… june seems like it was 4 years ago. or more that things that happened in june seem like forever ago, they seem like they’ve been happening forever. but the actual getting to november since june seems like it’s gone by too fast for me to see. days go by so fast I forget that I’m living in them and then I think about things that happened in the morning and it seems like weeks ago. everything is fast. the process of everything is fast. the looking back and the actual getting to places is slow as fuck though. I think I might be crazy. that could explain everything. my dad slammed my head into a metal beam when I was little. maybe that’s it. I’ve slowly lost all sense of everything. in a month I’ll be home and a month after that I’ll be back and in just a bit more than three months after that I’ll be home for summer. it will be summer and a whole year will have gone by and where does that put anything? and then it will be fall over again and I have no idea what I’ll be doing except behaving irrationally. that I can most likely count on. I don’t get time. not at all. I look at emma and think about being 13 and how that feels like forever ago but it isn’t and sometimes it feels like yesterday and I just don’t know who thigns happen and change and move and grow so quickly or so slowly or whatever it is. it is late. this is a late rant.
I almost ate a cotton ball. then I realized that was stupid. I’ve been having these moments a lot lately. like last night after you left and before zach got home I was looking at the ocean and all of a sudden i decided I should go swimming and that that would be the best way to make everything right but then I realized that was both really stupid and potentially suicidal. so instead i took a shower.
I feel sick. I’ve felt sick for a couple weeks. granted I’m a tiny bit of a hypochondriac but i still feel sick. everywhere sick. I think it’s the winter. I hate the winter, it hates me, we are not friends. I’ve also been having ridiculous, vivid, irrational almost nightmarelike dreams every night lately and that never happens except for when i am sick. and it feels like a sick I can’t recover from cause resting just makes me feel more lazy and tired. i think it is the cold. it kills me. every year. damn. cold. sick. damn.
I complain so much.
the sky was really beautiful today. the sun was right in the middle of this huge mass of clouds that had all swirled together and underneath were these weird clouds that looked a mountain going up towards the sun and it looked like olympus. and there were so many colors and it was just wonderful. ineffable. that is my new favorite word partially because i was right about what it meant and also because it means emotions that can not be explained in words or things that are too sacred to be spoken of. which is pretty much exactly what i think of life.
I did not intend on writing this much. I never do.
I haven’t packed. I also haven’t slept. I also think my mom is mad at me. i was in a weird mood today, we don’t get along well while I am like that. I need to sleep. I am not partaking in a healthy lifestyle
